Film Review: “Spies in Disguise” (2019)

“This is a vile misuse of tax dollars.”


A bright, high energy spy comedy with a pretty well developed and tactful message of peace over violence that’s not afraid to get super weird with the constant antics (pigeon or otherwise).

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Unexpectedly, this might be the movie everyone should watch right now amidst all the doom, gloom, uncertainty and World War III memes.”

Film Review: “Little Women” (2019)

“I can’t believe childhood is over.”

An impressive adaptation that plays with the structure of the source material to draw the novel’s stark parallels between cold, distant adulthood and bright, sunlit childhood while also weaving a lovely meta thread through it all.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “I really like to think I’m a Jo, but I’m probably much more of a Meg and it’s time I admitted that to myself and my loved ones.”

Film Review: “Jumanji: The Next Level” (2019)

“I can’t say this enough. We’re in a video game.”


As much of a solid, fun time as the last one, with yet more chances for these good-looking actors to play against type and do silly stuff, featuring some added wrinkles (because old people) to keep things semi-fresh.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “I’d like to see Dwayne Johnson beat all the Organization XIII data battles in Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix on Critical Mode. That’s the next level, Dwayne. Robin Williams could do it.”

Film Review: “Marriage Story” (2019)

“I cried like four times.”

While this perfectly acted drama (and sorta comedy?) absolutely approaches “oh, these poor privileged people” territory at times, even that gives us an opportunity to see just how much the towering system of uncoupling we have seems to be designed to breed as much contempt as possible between two people who maybe loved each other once.

My VHS cover pull-quote: I only just recently got married, but I really hope my divorce is as well-written as this one. Noah Baumbach won’t return me or my wife’s calls.

Film Review: “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” (2019)

“Terrible job, sir!”


The Star Wars movies have almost always been wildly and lovingly inconsistent, so let’s all just chillaxamundo and enjoy this fairly satisfying Star War spectacular that gives us some of the best C-3PO sass lines of this or any generation.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Not as good as anything any of us watched when we were children filled with hope and optimism.”

Film Review: “Honey Boy” (2019)

“I am trying my best for that kid, but I am in pain like a motherfucker.”


A deeply personal vision quest of a film led by Shia LaBeouf to understand the heart of Shia LaBeouf’s struggles, holding a mirror up to his father and seeing himself seeing his father seeing himself.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “My dad was a big smoker. Sometimes, I catch a whiff of Newport cigarettes when I’m out and I kind of savor it just like Shia LaBeouf smoked and drank to emulate and share something he recognized as inextricable from his dad. In conclusion, I am Shia LaBeouf. You are Shia LaBeouf. We are all Shia LaBeouf.”

That’s it.

Film Review: “Motherless Brooklyn” (2019)

“From here on out, the game is gonna be about power, from top to bottom.”


A film noir that revels in every single shadow and scene on which a player can chew. It’s a throwback, a strong passion project, and it lands on exactly the existentialist note it should.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “The Tourette’s syndrome thing is handled pretty well, and while it’s played for laughs at certain points, for the most part Norton just makes it a part of the character without being the entire character. It’s interesting to see a condition like it handled within a 50s noir framework that wasn’t present in the 90s-set source material.”

That’s it.

Film Review: “Parasite” (2019)

“It feels like I was born here.”


Eat the rich.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “That doesn’t mean there’s literal cannibalism in this or anything. That’s not the turn or twist to this film about the universal relationship between classes. Or maybe it is. I don’t know, go see it. I’ve already said too much about it.”