Film Review: “The Rental” (2020)

“I’m not saying we’re not going to get away with it, I’m saying I don’t want to get away with it.”

A matter-of-fact unraveling of multiple relationships that takes the long, chill road towards becoming the entry in a hallowed horror genre it ultimately wants to be.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “The main characters are like the high school kids who somehow all successfully escaped one horror movie, grew into their late 20s and 30s, then found themselves caught unawares in another horror movie.”

Film Review “She Dies Tomorrow” (2020)

“It was a nice time. That period of time we spent together.”

A midnight meditation on death that will take me some time to parse. As of right now, mere hours from having watched this in a dark, dirt lot drive-in in New Jersey with Dolittle playing on the second screen just out of sight, part of me feels like I dreamed it.

And that’s perfect.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “I know I’m probably not going to die tomorrow, but, like, well, I feel like I might now.”

Film Review – “Ash is Purest White” (2019)

“The bottom line is, we’re all prisoners of the universe.”

An endearing, gorgeous, at times hilarious and weird epic that’s as concerned with the journeys of its central characters as it is with the hyper development and modernization of a country.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Being a low-tier member in a group of gangsters seems pretty chill, for the most part, and it may lead to a cinematic journey of soul searching for me and my destined counterpart so I fully support it as a career path.”

Film Review: “Onward” (2020)


“Long ago, there was wonder…”

A fantastic enough questy comedy about brothers, a van, father legs, sons, overcoming loss, and family, featuring some pretty solid D&D references throughout.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Disney and Pixar put out Cars 2 for money, certainly, but also so that when something like Onward or The Good Dinosaur comes out, which are high quality but not UP or Coco or Wall-E levels of high quality, people will say, “well, it’s not Cars 2 so that’s nice.”

Film Review: “Sonic the Hedgehog” (2020)

“Look what came out of my egg sac!”
 

The spirit of Sonic the Hedgehog is that of a sugar-addled me in 199x who loves Jim Carrey and this movie caters right to that loud child with Genesis blisters who is drunk on pixy stix. So, it’s another recent genuine success story in the video game movie genre.

 

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Release the freaky-ass weird looking nightmare humanoid Sonic cut!!”

Film Review: “Color Out of Space” (2019)

“A dream you dream alone is just a dream. A dream you dream together, now that’s reality.”

Nic Cage does what Nic Cage does best, surrounded by Lovecraft trappings, cosmic body horror, and alpacas.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Forget National Treasure 3: Jefferson’s Ghost, I just want Nicolas Cage to do stuff like this and Mandy until he’s buried in his New Orleans pyramid.”

Film Review: “Spies in Disguise” (2019)

“This is a vile misuse of tax dollars.”

Spies-in-Disguise-1-650x1029

A bright, high energy spy comedy with a pretty well developed and tactful message of peace over violence that’s not afraid to get super weird with the constant antics (pigeon or otherwise).

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Unexpectedly, this might be the movie everyone should watch right now amidst all the doom, gloom, uncertainty and World War III memes.”

Film Review: “Ad Astra” (2019)

“I should feel something.”

Rapturous. Splendid. Fathers. Sons. Made me want to go find my dad in deep space even though he died in 2005.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Seriously, our dads are out there and we have to go reunite with them. Even if you think your dad/father figure/person whose image you think you’ve not lived up to is here on Earth, that’s probably not really them. So saddle up on a rocket, get some good tears going, and let’s go to Neptune to find them. I’ll bring snacks (feeding tubes to staple into our stomachs).”

Film Review: “Hustlers” (2019)

“What, do you want to go back to minimum wage?”

A high-energy, slick as heck heist flick that explores the allure and pitfalls of power, capitalism, and drugging some grade-a assholes to steal their money.

My VHS cover pull-quote: at one point in this movie someone says “2007 was the fucking best!” I graduated from high school in 2007 and, while that was cool, I disagree that it made the year the fucking best year. Still a great movie though.”

Film Review: “IT: Chapter Two (2019)

“Hey, come back to Derry and get murdered.”

This is humongous, epic, ultimately triumphant horror fantasy that — while not terrifying — is whimsically gruesome and allowed to lean hard into the cocaine fueled turns of the source material.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Can we talk about across-the-board perfect casting? Okay, this has it. It also has a swelling, bleeding, plucked from a chest heart that will make you believe in shit again.”