Film Review: “F9: The Fast Saga” (2021)

“If this was a movie, this would be the part where the villain’s plan suffers a setback.”

The Fast and the Furious movies are just big ol live action anime mecha movies now with cars instead of giant robots. Tyrese is questioning whether or not they’re all invincible superheroes during the entire movie, but they’re not. They’re all just anime characters in a mecha movie, going through the dramatic motions until it’s time for the next big set piece when they can suit up and hop into their giant robots/cars to do impossible stunts while chasing some increasingly sci-fi macguffin or something. Plus family.

Fast10 better have a laser sword.

My VHS cover pull-quote: “Flashbacks to 1989 throughout the movie explore Dom’s father’s death and its effect on the Toretto FAMILY. The actor playing Dom’s father has a similar SoCal accent to the late Paul Walker, which suggests to me that Dom saw and heard a bit of his father in Brian when they met all those years ago and that helped build his trust in Brian. These movies have layers, okay?”

Place Review: Movie Theaters (2021)

“That looks good.”

Dark, big screen band-aids for my depression that sometimes smell a little weird but I love anyway. They’ve been away for a while, but I see them now in their empty parking lots, popping corn and pressing the button that releases cheese onto the nachos and into your heart.

The people talking during the most important part have been successfully shushed, though we have chosen the squeakiest seats. Someone spilled their popcorn, kernels tumbling towards the screen. They’ll pick them up after. No doubt they’ll do it again next time. Always. It’s expected.

We are flickering with the screen, now. Still during the quiet parts.

My VHS cover pull-quote, scrawled on the weird and frightening backside of the theater, where those direct exits are that disorient you and put you outside who knows how far from your car:

“The earliest movie ticket I still have from my youth is for a showing of Shrek in 2001, which I feel has dictated my life up to this point and far beyond. To the grave. Even beyond that.”

Film Review: “The Fate of the Furious” (2017)

“It’s about stopping World War III.”

I remember–in the Before Times–when these movies that have somehow been a constant in my life were about street racing.

My VHS cover pull quote: “New career plan: get a PhD in film studies. Write dissertation focusing on the trajectory of Universal’s Fast and the Furious franchise. Chart its course from hollow street race flicks, to halfway clever heist movies that almost have a theme and care enough about character and reverence to pull bro tears from bro sockets, to a straight up comic book superhero picture that just does whatever the fuck it wants. Get tenure. Bring in guest lecturer Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Bring in guest lecturer Vin Diesel on the same day by ‘accident’ so we can get to the bottom of this on-set beef. Bring in Vince McMahon. Oh shit, bring in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Here comes The Undertaker out of retirement!”